overwhelmed

first comes the paranoia, the increase in life’s cacaophony, the twitch happens and it’s begun increasing heart rate, emotions come flooding in a wave.

waves.

The first feels the worst. it isn’t it’s just the beginning of a reminder of how different you navigate the world. managing but struggling silently.

heart rate picks up. first it is noticeable, then it becomes all consuming. the thuds rattle in your chest. it forces your lungs into overtime and you breathe, heavier and heavier. there is no amount of oxygen you can take in that helps and before you realise the world begins to collapse around you without anything moving so you move, escape the space that is confining you in and run. find somewhere and try and block out the noise, the lights the resounding sound that is deafening to you. curled up, hands over ears trying not to scream, the last thing you need is attention

then the swirls begin, the world starts collapsing in your sight, colours merge and you screw your eyes shut to block out the hurt you see that isn’t real.

you try and focus on your breathing but even that sound becomes too much. finally, the drug kicks in. you feel the wooziness coming over you but this in itself becomes an issue. the change in environment and pace feels like a step beyond where you are, the pandemonium you are used to has rescinded.

the forgein concept of peace throws you. then the shakes begin. slowly at first but you cannot control the jitters your body has trying to release the brain from your body. detaching is hard you don’t know what to do.

a car comes round the corner and you hide, the light and noise too bright to deal with.

finally you begin to breathe properly again, and you know you need water, something to help reintroduce the senses. to do that you must venture back in to the place you fled from not that long ago. one step in and lights, the music, the general chatter overwhelms you and you feel the urge to escape again. it is becoming more urgent, you grab the water and run, not caring what you bump into.

back in the open.

the dark night sky provides a lapse from the lights. you feel safer in the open air. but still the need to scream and try and express some of your confusion is there. muffled, you let some out. tension is released but nevertheless the overwhelming mania is circling your brain.

slowly the heart rate decreases. you feel stupid for not being able to process. the sluggishness kicks in, along with the existing wooziness. you can feel the floor spinning away in front of you and the volume you heard before reduces and you begin to feel safe. protected. calmer.

you know that you haven’t got long before it will all become to much and need to get out. grabbing everything you leave in a fluster, trying to escape to find a place of safety

in the car, the sound is less, the peace of somewhere your own, comforting. the mess feels homely, and you try and relax.

driving takes a toll. the change in time from your usual routine, the disorientation you noticed getting worse is now at its peak. nothing seems to stop it. you try to leave but your brain won’t let you, and you get stuck again.

stop start breathe. you focus on one small thing, and start simple. reintroduce colour, reintroduce sensation. it feels like teaching a child again. but you cope. and move on

stop, start, breathe. you know you haven’t got the correct texture food. headphones on, mask on but that irritates you. in, out of the shop and home, despite driving slower to help your brain to cope.

finally, into a hot bath to relieve the tension that you’ve held on to.

and this is where I find myself now, the tiredness kicking in as I reflect on the little things that caused this. The change in location, the cooking the food in the morning. And I know I need to let myself down gently. My processing is struggling, running overtime all the time. I’ve neared tipping point for a while. It was the confusion of numbers, the having to face a certain way to be able to figure out the lefts and rights. The forgetfulness, the struggling to understand.

I will be ok, I remind myself. I just have to take it one step at a time, and nothing more.